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Tuesday, May 07, 2002

Official Spam of the Austin Outpost of the Guerrilla Queer Bar

Inside this edition of the Smoking Banana (May 2002)
--->Troop Alert: Shoal Creek Saloon, 909 N. Lamar Blvd, 78703, 477-0600
--->What to wear to the invasion: WHITE
--->Shoal Creek 101
--->Lucky Lounge Gets Lucky
--->Blurt: Prideful Things
--->Toaster Oven Awards: And the winner is . . .
--->Are you my mommy? Maybe you're my daddy
--->Upcoming Invasions of the 21st century

Troop Alert

Attack Details

What: Homo Happy Hour
When: Friday, May 10, 6-9 pm
Where: Shoal Creek Saloon, 909 N. Lamar Blvd, 78703, 477-0600
Wear: White

Shoal Creek 101

Do y'all remember the dramatic televised images of Shoal Creek flooding at 10th and Lamar a few months back? There were flat bottom rescue boats navigating the intersection while SUVs were washed away in rapidly rising waters. Twenty years before that a similar flood at the same location nearly bankrupted the then fledgling Whole Foods Market by placing its inventory under water. It appears this part of town, known originally as the Waterloo Settlement (that's where the record store gets its name!), has a history of drama goin' on over there and this Friday we're goin' to add a little drama of our own. Now that the water has subsided and the mud has been swept up, The Austin Outpost of the GQB feels it is safe to bring its troops on a reconnaissance mission of this historically muddy area. But first, a little trivia so that you are adequately prepared for a successful invasion.

The flooding at 10th and Lamar goes a lot farther back than 1981. Not too long ago it was 300 feet below the surface of a great inland sea that encompassed not only Austin, but most of Texas, reaching all the way to Illinois, and the Dakotas. A volcanic island named Pilot's Knob (hmmm...) spewed ash and lava near where Austin Bergstrom International Airport is spewing pollutants now. Now that's what I call flooded! In 1838, Vice President Mirabeau Lamar of the Republic of Texas visited the Waterloo Settlement while on a buffalo hunt. They camped where Shoal Creek runs into Town Lake. Not far from there, near the intersection of Eighth and Congress, Lamar bagged the biggest buffalo he had ever seen. Woo-hoo. Later that year, Lamar became the second President of the Republic of Texas. A few years later, James Smith, the first Travis County Judge was killed by a Comanche raiding party just west of Shoal Creek. Around this same time, a young boy hanging out by Shoal Creek was carried off by Indians. Stephen F. Austin, our (gay) Father of Texas, (we invaded his namesake hotel in April 2001) decided that we needed a treaty with the Comanches and signed it under their Tree-God, aka the Treaty Oak. A hundred years later, a guy poisoned Treaty Oak over unrequited love, Ross Perot wrote a blank check to save it (it lived), and the jilted lover went to jail for nine years. Somewhere along the line the Comanche Indians moved out and Amy's Icecream moved in.

Okay, so that's the Waterloo Settlement history in a nutshell. We'll see you at 9th and Lamar (named after Mirabeau) at the Shoal Creek Saloon. Don't forget to reflect on the storied past of this violent and muddy neck of the woods as you lounge on the back patio and admire the trickling remnants of the great Texas inland sea, while sipping on cocktails and watching young boys being carried away into the night under the warm skies and sweeping oaken boughs shading Shoal Creek.

Lucky Lounge Gets Lucky

Due to a miscalculation, on-time arrivals at the Lucky Lounge were met with a "closed until 7pm" sign resulting in several plaid-clad homos fearfully wandering the daylit streets all dressed up with no place to go. Rumor has it that several of them retreated to Oil Can's until orders from the Junta or reinforcements arrived. After the Lucky Lounge staff answered the banging on their door for the umpteenth time, they decided to let the first gorillas in at approximately 6:20pm. By 7:30 the place was packed and the frantic bar tender was calling for *his* reinforcements. He was overheard saying that it was the busiest the bar has ever been and he didn't know why. Of course, it was hard to tell just how many guys were there because it was so damn dark. By most accounts it took nearly 15 minutes before people's retinas had dilated enough to see more than the jillions of orange lights polka-dotting the interior walls of the bar. The invasion remained in place until 9pm despite the deafening live music. Congratulations, men! A job well done. As far as what to do the next time an invasion target is closed or otherwise screwed up--think back to your schooling--Stay put until a teacher gives you permission to leave. Someone from the Junta will undoubtedly arrive with a contingency plan.

Toaster Oven Awards: And the winner is . . .

Last month, we announced that GQB-Austin would award a Toaster Oven to the gorilla who recruited the 500th homo to join our band of merry men. At the time, our roster numbered 489 homosexuals. As of this moment, were are 517 strong. That's a fresh meat gain of 28! Thank you very much for your active recruitment. Pending the results of Recruit 500's performance on the Gay Apptitude Standardized Profiency exam (GASP), the Gay Repetitive Agility Standardized Proficiency exam (GRASP), the stress oral board, physical, and extensive back-on-the-ground investigation, the coveted Toaster Oven will be award to the deserving recruiter of this lucky homosexual. Again, we administer this battery of examinations in an effort to maintain quality control over who gets to be gay. Simply sleeping with other men is no longer enough. Over the next few months, we will advise of you the lucky recruit's progress, culminating hopefully in a ritual presentation of a Toaster Oven.

Blurt: Prideful Things

Your favorite group of singing homos and mine, the Capital City Men's Chorus will be presenting their 2002 Pride Concert "Remember Stonewall" on May 18 at 8pm and May 19 at 4pm at University Baptist Church (22nd and Guadalupe). See for ticketing information. Note that several of your Guerrilla Queer brothers are also members of the chorus. If you're looking for something prideful to do this month besides splashing around at Lake Travis, consider taking ding-a-ling as your date to the concert.

Party? There's a rumor that there will be a pride parade after-party at a yet to be determined downtown heterosexual target venue. Didn't know about the pride parade? "It's official" according to the Austin Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. It'll be June 1, at 8pm (we think). We'll provide more parade details, and just as importantly, *after parade* details, as they develop. Stay tuned.

Are you my mommy? Maybe you're my daddy

Ever wanted to know where the secret discussion list for GQB Austin is and who's sayin' what about whom? The mommys and the daddies of the Austin GQB are passionately debating the future and mission of our merry and hairy band of 'mos. Should "where we spend our queer dollars?" be a concern when choosing invasion targets? Where are the guerrilla queer lesbians? Is the gay world a man's world? Is GQB a political movement or a drinking movement from the bar top to your mouth? Who was that drunk and handsome Cajun crooner? These are just some of the exciting topics that could fill up YOUR inbox if you so desire.

More to the point, have an opinion on where we should go next? Become one with our little herd of mismanagers (Miss Managers??). To join our petit patriarchy, click on this:

Upcoming Invasions of the 21st Century

May 10, June 14 July 14
(The Secret Date Picking Algorithm: The SECOND Friday of every month)

Mottos, Creeds, and Oaths

"Colonize, don't clone!"

Rule #1. Don't talk about the Fist Club.
Rule #2. Don't talk about the Fist Club.

Can't spell "guerrilla"?? Try

Austin Outpost

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