T H E S M O K I N G B A N A N A Official Spam of the Austin Outpost of the Guerrilla Queer Bar
Inside this edition of the Smoking Banana (May 2003)
--->Troop Alert: Shoal Creek Saloon, 909 North Lamar Blvd, 78703, 477-0600.
--->Up the Creek without a Paddle
--->Hooking Up at Donn's Depot
--->Defend Marriage with a Drink
--->Blurt: ASA Viva! Las Vegas promotion party
--->Upcoming Invasions of the 21st Century
What: Homo Happy Hour
When: Friday, May 9, 6-9 pm
Where: Shoal Creek Saloon, 909 North Lamar Blvd, 78703, 477-0600.
Wear: BLUE (jeans don't count).
Up the Creek without a Paddle
The best thing about Shoal Creek Saloon is the creek. This is the same creek where an Indian raiding party allegedly carried off a young boy. You should be so lucky. Anyway, the saloon has an amazing patio with a great view of the scene of crime. Special pats on the back for anyone who cares to re-enact the infamous abduction for an enrapt and inebriated audience. I can hear it now: Okay, who wants to be kidnaped and tied to a post? Pick me! Pick me! The second best thing about Shoal Creek Saloon, and it's a close second, is the food. Think catfish and cajun. The shrimp po boy is outstanding and goes down great with a cold pint of Shiner. Then again, just about anything does. Hopefully, the weather will be gorgeous for us, and get over this mopey-on-the-verge-of-crying thing its doing, but regardless we won't care because the patio is covered and there's something romantic about watching mos re-enact an alleged kidnaping in a creek while it's raining. This'll be a popular invasion of a great venue. Last year we drank all the beer and they had to call in the reserves.
Hooking Up at Donn's Depot
So Donn's Depot really was a tiny train station a while back. If you didn't already know, if I'm not fantasizing about monkeys, I'm bangin' it against the thoughts of trains and tunnels and bridges. In fact, me and my monkey are taking the train this Saturday from Town Lake all the way to Disneyworld. I bet you didn't know you could do that. 48 hours of bangin' it to the rhythmic sound of chug-chug-choo-choo-woo-Wooo! I was talking about Donn's Depot. Yes, it had the railroad decor and even had some modified passenger cars as seating areas. Very cool. A very nice turnout. We started with one bartender, but he called for reinforcements and pretty soon they had five tending to our needs. Tending. That's a railroad pun, but I'm sure most of you didn't get it.
Defend Marriage with A Drink
So rumor has it that our imaginative legislature has let us down again by codifying state-sponsored homophobia with the passage of the Texas version of the Defense of Marriage Act. Don't they realize that the more wrong something is, the naughtier it is, and the hotter it becomes? It's called fetishization and lots of people get off to it. The more they fetishize our sexuality, the hotter it becomes, and the more often that many of us will get off to it. Strangely, once it becomes legal to cruise Pease Park and commit sodomy wherever heterosexuals do, we run the danger of becoming bored in a sort of "been there, don't that" sort of way. Felonious sex is kinda sexy and trendy at the same time. Afterall, everyone knows we do it and still they're curious. Once the trend fades, the fad passes, and state legislatures begin to take naughtiness off the books, we run the risk of being plain old horny human beings. Now that doesn't sound very cool at all. That's an old tune that's been played out forever. Why else are all the sitcoms and dramas incorporating gay sex life into their plots? It's naughty and it's cool. As long as gay sex remains forbidden, we'll remain as cool as smoking in the boy's room. So in weird way, we need to thank the Texas legistlature for helping us get our rocks off and keeping us in the limelight.
There's more. Decent sociological research shows that unmarried men live shorter lives, and are more likely to drink and commit crime than their married, domesticated counterparts. In fact, the domestication of males is among the primary supports for marriage as an institution of social stability. I guess those of us who are banned from getting married are doomed to a shorter life of sex crime and alcohol. In essence, a typical weekend for a healthy gay man. I propose that this Friday we all have a drink in defense of marriage. This act unwittingly preserves our cool and trendy lifestyle. They tell us "No! No!" and we get to shout back on our backs "YES! YES!" At the end of the evening, please be sure you keep your end of the bargain with the Legislature by bargaining with your end somewhere naughty.
Blurt: Viva! Las Vegas Bookie Party to Invade Opal Divine's
The Viva! Las Vegas promotions team will launch their street campaign at Opal Divine's Freehouse, Wednesay May 7 at 6:30pm. They will be distributing ticket packets and setting up bar promotions. More info at ASA's website: www.asaustin.org
Upcoming Invasions of the 21st Century
May 9, June 13, July 11
(The Secret Date Picking Algorithm: The SECOND Friday of every month)
Mottos, Creeds, and Oaths "Colonize, don't clone!"
Rule #1. Don't talk about the Fist Club.
Rule #2. Don't talk about the Fist Club.