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Friday, April 10, 2009

Official Spam of the Austin Outpost of the Guerrilla Queer Bar

Inside this special edition of the Smoking Banana
--->Troop Alert: Friday, April 10. 6-9pm. The Four Seasons Hotel.
--->FEATURED STORY: A Mission of Diplomacy
--->Meanwhile in the Homoplex
--->Altared States
--->What's His Face?
--->Upcoming Invasions in the 21st century

How long has it been since we graced your spam folder with a missive from the back orifices of the Guerrilla Queer Bar? A LONG TIME. In fact, our hairy band of men have so swimmingly launched invasions with such consistency that one wonders how long it will be before *we* enter the ranks of Austin's oldest, longest-running gay bars. Perish the thought of actually having to run a bar because we can't possibly imagine any of you manning a mop (pun intended) for cleaning purposes. Unfortunately, our extremely high-tech Yahoo database of GQB spams seems busted and we're unable to quickly determine exactly how long it's been since we made the effort to address you with more than 100 words or so--but we pray that the advances in technology since our last attempt haven't diminished your ability for a long-distance read. If memory serves, the last full-length issue of a Smoking Banana popped out some time before the births of MySpace and Facebook. Back in those prehistoric days when Yahoo Groups was the cool and hip thing, "social networking" was a euphemism for the dusky activities employed for making friends at Piece, I mean, Pease Park. Them's were the days when getting "poked" meant something. Not everything new is better, and we certainly don't have anything against chicken, but gay men have always pioneered the back alleys of high-tech in order to carve out private safe-enough places to meet. Therefore, we too shall belatedly march into Facebook and put the poke back into poking.

Troop Alert
This month's invasion orders were dispatched to 2,042 brothers-in-arms and countless others indirectly.

Attack Details

What: Homo Happy Hour
When: Friday, April 10, 6-9 pm
Where: Four Seasons Hotel, 98 San Jacinto Boulevard, Austin, TX 78701, (512) 478-4500.

Uniform of the Day
Why do we guerrillas color coordinate? It's so that we can visually
congregate in a space. It's so that you know that you're not alone in
a straight world. This evening we are wearing YELLOW, the color of solidarity with soldiers in combat. Please read on to find out why tonite's color, chosen two weeks ago is especially significant.

FEATURED STORY: A Mission of Diplomacy

"Perhaps what had occurred was hotel staff's indignation that there were only TWO of them. "What??! Just two fags? You must leave immediately and come back with more!" So therefore, here we come. In great numbers. Not to punish, not to accuse, but to observe and to mend." -- GQB Austin

Early Monday morning, we were disappointed to receive an email report of a Facebook message about an alleged homophobic incident involving a couple of gay men at the Four Seasons Hotel in Austin. We use the word "alleged" not because we doubt the seriousness or veracity of the report, but because we are not privy to both sides of the story. The email we received also suggested that we might consider invading the Four Seasons, presumably to remind them that gay men make pretty good customers--not to mention a sizable portion of their staff. To avoid getting caught in a ruse, we did confirm with hotel management that they were already investigating an independent report of the incident in question. We want to relay that the extremely polite and helpful (words we typically closely associate with our previous experiences at the Four Seasons) gay man on the phone seemed just as shocked as we were to hear that the Four Seasons could have gotten caught up in a homophobic to-do. At any point, we were relieved to hear that the men in question had secured a meeting with the general manager to get to the bottom of this. Funny how it always gets down to the bottoms.

Since the Council of Daddies had not yet picked a target for our monthly invasion, considerable thought was given to the upsides and downsides of "attacking" the Four Seasons. Don't underestimate the enormous computing power that was harnessed to carefully analyze the intricate socio-eco-psycho-political homo-relations game theory ramifications of going versus not-going. In the end, we decided to go. Which shouldn't surprise, because when it comes to ends, we always decide to go in.

Part of our decision was based on the outrageous, relatively widely-covered GQB counter-attack in Houston last month. It seems our Bayou Brothers were repelled by the management of Union Bar and Lounge. Apparently, our comrades were subjected to a sophisticated homo detector at the door which was able to sort everyone out. We wonder if the detector was calibrated finely enough to discern the differences among the following gay flavors and if so, is it available for rent?:

a) gay as in "yes, I participate in big boy sex"
b) gay as in setting up house with another man (and possibly not having sex at all any more!)
c) gay as in "married" to a woman with children but having a big secret just dying to get out
d) gay as in flaming queen but strangely heterosexual anyway (you know, your old high school drama teacher)
e) gay as in "he doesn't seem gay to me"
f) gay as in 99% straight except when "play friendly"
g) gay as in "Over 30, handsome, in shape, well-groomed, and *still* single"
h) gay as in "out" but sadly, tragically too damaged still to be happy
i) gay as in gay enough but alas, a "perma top"

Please send us your favorite flavors and we'll see if this amazing detector can be programmed to detect them all. For more information on this amazing leap in Houston homo detection technology, here's just one tidbit:

So anyway, on the chance that there's been an outbreak of homophobia in OUR fair city, we've decided to engage upon a MISSION OF DIPLOMACY. We want to honor the report of humiliation and discrimination at the hands of the hotel staff and we want to personally observe how hotel staff treat up to 2,000 gay men on short notice. Perhaps what had occurred was staff's indignation there were only TWO of them. "What??! Just two fags? You must leave immediately and come back with more!" So therefore, here we come. Not to punish, not to accuse, but to observe and to mend. Let's be gentlemen, gentlemen.

Meanwhile in the Homoplex

Fortunately, not all is awry in Homolandia. In January, our ambassador's office was delighted to receive a communique from Colonel Craig Parsons from Guerrilla Gay Bar - Dallas. It said:

> Hey Rich,
> Craig here in Dallas. We are just about to do our 9th Guerilla Gay Bar
> Dallas event and it's taking off like crazy. I see you guys are
> hitting Hooters tonight. Let me know how that goes as we are
> considering doing that up here as well. Looking for a big enough one
> to hold us all, LOL.
> Good luck tonight, ours is tonight as well. Would love to come down
> and make one of Austin's events and chat you up a while.
> Later,
> Craig

We want you to note that they had over 200 invaders turn up in January. That's amazing and outstanding. We salute them and wish them well up there. They've certainly got a lot of work on their hands. Here are some video images received from our high-tech interstellar gay satellite network:

Altared States

So are y'all monitoring the increased pace at which at we can collect marriage certificates throughout the country? Iowa? Wow! Vermont? About time! NJ and NY? On the way! We have plenty more to spray on this topic, but since we're getting tired of typing this special extra LONG issue of the Smoking Banana, we'll spare you from having to read our special perspective on the matter. Whether you're into husbandry or not, we believe it's a good trend for homo sapiens everywhere.

What's His Face?

Yes, it's true, and as alluded to in this issue's preamble, we now have a presence on Facebook called, interestingly enough, "Guerrilla Queen Bar - Austin". We particularly enjoy this medium because it lets us match names to faces. And it lets us do all sorts of cyber-snooping not possible before with our Yahoo group. We were wondering if any of you had yet stumbled upon some high-tech tool that magically sews the heads on pictures because we still have a vast library of photos of headless men and we were wondering if Facebook could somehow help us in this regard. Now THAT would be a helpful service. Combine it with the amazing Houston homo detector and we could print enough money to stimulate the economy into over-drive. If you're unable to find us with Facebook Search, then I believe you can use the following URL:

Upcoming Invasions
We have a whole century of marauding ahead of us. Here's some of the nearer dates: May 8, June 12, and July 10. Too many things to remember? It's easy--THE SECOND FRIDAY OF EVERY MONTH. Ta-da!

Slogan, Mottos, &tc.
"Colonize, Don't Clone!"
"Rule #1, Don't talk about fist club. Rule #2, Don't talk about fist club."

--r, leading from behind
Guerrilla Queer Bar - Austin

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